How to Fight Vulcan Style
by Carlotta's twin
Summary: Spock reviews Kirk's fighting moves and thinks it is logical to train him. FINISHED!
1. The Nerve!

How to Fight Vulcan-Style

by Carlotta's Twin

Summary: Spock reviews Kirk's fighting moves and thinks it is logical to train him.

A/N: I want this to take place after 'Journey to Babel' but it can take place whenever. This'll only have a few chappies.

I don't own Star Trek or the Vulcan nerve pinch or Kirk's stupid fighting moves. Sadly enough.

Chapter One: The Nerve!

Spock sat at his normal seat on the bridge, reviewing security tapes. He raised an eyebrow at Kirk's foolish fighting stances. Did Kirk ever learn any fighting technique? Spock wondered. Even karate, an inadequate Earth fighting technique, was better than Kirk jumping against a wall to bring an opponent down, or hurling his body at an opponent.

"Captain?" Spock inquired, looking around. There was no sign of him anywhere.

"He went to sickbay for a physical." Uhura said. "You'll find him there, Spock." He nodded and left, his human self grimacing inside. He had not wanted to deal with Dr. McCoy today. In fact, he didn't want to deal with McCoy at all many times, but some things are unavoidable.

He walked into sickbay, where he encountered McCoy wearing rubber gloves and washing blood off them. "I do hope that is not Captain Kirk's blood." Spock said. "Though-"

"Don't you dare give me advice, you green-blooded logic machine!" growled McCoy. "Say anything more in that monotone voice and I'll give you a full physical tomorrow!"

"I have had my physical taken two stardates ago, Doctor." Spock replied.

"Spock, I am the Chief Medical Officer. I can assign physicals for you whenever I want." McCoy laughed.

Spock thought it illogical to argue with that logic. Instead he raised his eyebrow and replied, "I need to see the Captain."

"Needed me, Spock?" asked Kirk, coming out of the wing. "What for?"

"Captain, I have been reviewing security tapes and it is obvious that your fighting technique is quite illogical."

"Well, Spock, I don't think that fighting when necessary is illogical."

"Nor do I, Captain, but your technique is illogical."

"My technique?" Kirk asked with a small smile on his face. "Do explain."

"While reviewing the tapes I observed that several of your 'moves' cause bodily harm to yourself rather than the opponent. That is highly illogical. Offensive moves are meant to hurt the opponent, not yourself."

"You're talking to us as if we're three year olds!" exclaimed McCoy. "Kirk graduated from Starfleet, don't you think we'd know what an 'offensive move' is?"

"I do not believe that Starfleet offers training in human offense and defense," said Spock.

"We don't learn everything from Starfleet, Spock." countered McCoy.

Spock only raised an eyebrow in response and continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "Starfleet believes that we will always have working phasers on our person. Since you, Captain, have encountered many opponents without adequate weaponry, it would be logical for you to learn a fighting technique."

"Well, we can meet at the gym for me to learn."Kirk said. "I suppose I'll do it, Spock."

"That was a logical choice, Captain." Spock complimented. McCoy began laughing.

"Jim, you're gonna learn to fight Vulcan-style?" he exclaimed. "I can just see you now with the pointed ears and slanted eyebrows." McCoy chuckled.

"I observe nothing wrong with the Vulcan features." Kirk replied in his best Vulcan voice, trying hard not to crack a smile. He failed.

Spock knew when he was being insulted. "Captain." he said. "I believe I will try to teach you the Vulcan nerve pinch. It has many advantages. Observe." Spock flexed his fingers and pinched McCoy's neck. McCoy collapsed on the floor.

"Spock!" said Kirk. "I've seen the nerve pinch before- you didn't have to knock out McCoy!"

"I assumed you needed to refresh your memory." Spock said.

"You assumed wrong!" said Kirk. Spock merely raised an eyebrow. "You know what," Kirk continued. "I think you just wanted to knock out McCoy."

"Captain, that want would be illogical."

"Suit yourself!" laughed Kirk. "At least I don't have to finish my physical!" He exited sickbay.

Spock grabbed McCoy by the arms and hauled him to a bed. He checked to see if Nurse Chapel or any security cameras could see him. Spock looked down at McCoy's unconscious figure and, for once, eschewed Vulcan logic.

He smirked.

TBC...

Sorry if my Spock is a little out of character...it's hard writing for a 'green-blooded logic machine.' Please review!


	2. Wulcan

Hey, I'm back with chappie two. I love Chekhov's accent, because it's so...funny. THANK YOU REVIEWERS! I love you all, especially Schematization with that awesome review. Okay, here's...

Chapter Two: Wulcan

Uhura was reading a transmission from a Federation probe when Chapel entered the bridge. "What's up?" she asked, seeing the nurse's expression.

"You don't mind if I stay here a while, do you?" Chapel asked. "McCoy's really grouchy today. I found him passed out on a bed! When I asked if he was tired, he just started yelling at me and walked off, muttering 'green-blooded inhuman son-of-a-bitch.' I don't know what Spock did to annoy him, but I wish he hadn't. Whenever McCoy gets mad, I'm the one who gets the front of his anger!"

"There, there." Uhura patted the nurse on the back. "I'm sure everything will work out." She turned back to the transmission.

"What's wrong?" asked Chapel.

"It's a Federation probe." Uhura said. "It's telling us to change direction. It says that there's a wormhole opening straight where we're headed."

"Why don't you just change course then?" Chapel asked.

"Well, the probe is very old, and the wormhole might not be there anymore. And there's the fact that changing course now will add four days to our journey to Starbase 17."

"Better safe than sorry."

"True. Chekhov, alter our course around the warning area...if that's alright with you, Captain Kirk." Uhura looked around, only to see that Kirk was missing. "Chekhov, where's Kirk?"

Chekhov shrugged. "According to rumor, he's at da gym learning Wulcan fighting moves."

Uhura made a face. "Vulcan fighting moves????"

Captain James T. Kirk was currently wearing nothing but Starfleet regulated pants. Several girls, including engineers, security, and yeoman were watching him, giggling as he flexed his muscles. It was important to stay fit as captain, but there were other reasons he liked his muscles firm.

Spock arrived in full uniform. "Greetings, Captain...and others."

"Hello, Spock." said Kirk. "So, how do I prepare for fighting? Do some finger exercises? Learn exactly where to pinch? I'm ready, Spocko."

The First Officer raised an eyebrow at the nickname, but decided not to comment. He took of his shoes, and sat on the floor Indian-style. "We will meditate." He closed his eyes, and as he opened them he saw a stunned Kirk looking at him.

"Meditate?! We came to the gym to meditate?"Kirk stared at him. "Well, I could have meditated in my own room! Why bring us to the gym?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Practicing at the gym was your idea, Captain."

"Well...well, you could have told me about meditating!"

Spock closed his eyes once more. Kirk sighed, but sat down and followed suit.

"Captain, for you to efficiently use the Vulcan nerve pinch you must balance logic and power. You certainly have the power to use this technique, but you do not have the logic."

"I'd take that as an insult if I wasn't talking to a Vulcan." Kirk muttered.

For the next half-hour, Spock and Kirk meditated in the noisy Enterprise gym. The girls decided to leave, but many people came and gawked at the usually-dominant captain sitting passively on the floor.

The door opened once more and the Chief Engineer walked in, intent on finding the Captain. Scotty had imagined Kirk at the weights, not sitting on the floor with a blank expression on his face.

"Aye, Captain?" asked Scotty, looking almost nervously at Kirk. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine...I mean, I am well, Mr. Scott." Kirk said in a failed monotone voice. "I am trying to balance logic and power."

"Um...alright sir, but I thought there's something ya ought to know. You too, Spock, now that I think of it." Scotty said.

"Does it concern the welfare of this vessel or the Federation?" Spock asked.

"Er...no."

"Then it can wait."

"I don't think it can, Spock."

Spock raised an eyebrow in annoyance. "Mr. Scott, I am sure it is not of that much importance."

Scotty snorted. "If ya don't think McCoy coming at ya with some fancy doctor equipment is important, fine by me."

Kirk tried not to laugh. He really did. He was no fool. Kirk understood that laughing was not logical and he had to be more logical to perform the Vulcan grip. But when he heard McCoy yelling from the corridor, "SPOCK!!!!!" he began to laugh out loud.

"Perhaps it would be best to continue this another day, Captain." said Spock, getting up.

"Perhaps, Mr. Spock." Kirk replied, still chortling.

"SPOCK!!" came the cry again. McCoy entered, the 'fancy doctor equipment' in hand. "You green-blooded son of a bitch-"

"Bones!" interrupted Kirk. "Don't kill Spock."

McCoy glared at him. "I'd never do that...I'd come close though."

"Come close?" laughed Scotty. "What'd ya do, talk him to near death?"

McCoy opened his mouth to reply, but decided against it. Kirk would not like it if he attacked the First Officer and Engineering Officer right before his eyes. Instead he growled, "You're looking a bit peaky, Scotty. I think I'll give you a physical tomorrow. Yeah, I think I will." He stalked off with a smirk on his face. "Ah, sweet power." Bones whispered.

"Sir, I'm getting another transmission from the Federation probe," Uhura told Kirk. "But it's an odd frequency."

"It is readable." Spock said.

"That's not the problem." Uhura replied. "The Federation doesn't ever use that frequency."

"But they must." said Kirk, a bit confused. "They're using it right now!"

Uhura shrugged. "Yes, Captain. But they usually don't."

"Well, maybe something is broken on the probe so it has to use that frequency." Chapel suggested.

"That's a good idea, Nurse-" Kirk stopped. "Nurse Chapel, what are you doing on the bridge?" He cast a look at Spock, then her, who'd always liked him.

"Well, I was..." she blushed.

"Yes?"

"Avoiding Doctor McCoy."

"What?" asked the CMO himself, emerging on the bridge.

"Well, sir, you were in such a bad mood- I just had to go." Chapel blushed.

"It would be logical to avoid you in those so-called 'bad moods'," Spock put in.

"It could be logical for you to avoid me all the time, Spock." McCoy countered, but everyone knew he was in a good mood- for him, anyway. "I am here to ask how your _training_ is coming, Jim."

"What training?" asked Sulu.

"The captain is learning the disciplinary requirements for the nerve pinch." Spock replied.

"The rumor is true? Captain Kirk is learning Wulcan fighting moves?" asked Chekhov.

"No," teased McCoy. "_V_ulcan fighting moves."

"That's what I said. Wulcan fighting-"

"Vulcan. _V_ulcan not _W_ulcan."

"I said that. Wulcan."

"Vulcan! V!"

"Wulcan!"

Kirk, not wanting an accent-fight between a sarcastic doctor and a Russian navigator, decided to intervene. "Never mind if it's Vulcan or Wulcan-"

"I said 'Wulcan!'"

"Indeed, Chekhov," said Spock, "but the correct pronunciation is Vulcan. You have a Russian accent and cannot speak the v in Vulcan. McCoy was merely trying to mock your accent."

Both Chekhov and McCoy tried to speak, but were cut off by Kirk yelling, "Quiet! Never mind pronunciations, get back to work!"

"Jeez," whispered Uhura to McCoy. "If I didn't know better I'd think the whole bridge is crazy."

"It is." McCoy answered. "Thank God for sickbay."

Is Captain Kirk ever going to preform the Vulcan nerve pinch? Will Chekhov ever lose his accent? And what is the deal with the Federation probe doing un-Federationy stuff? Find out in the next chappie!


	3. Nerve Pinches and Federation Orders

Thanks to all my reviewers...and check out "Females Are Illogical" a oneshot by your's truly, Carlotta's twin! And thanks to Rebecca G. for pointing out that I spelled Chekov's name wrong. I'm sorry bout that. It's wrong in "Females are Illogical" but I'll try to correct it in the rest of these chapters. Here's...

Chappie Three: Nerve Pinches and Federation Orders

Kirk was meditating once more- but not in the gym. No, it was in a more embarrassing place- the bridge itself. Kirk was sitting in his captain's chair, focusing on logic, which was especially hard to do when his girlfriend, Yeoman Georgina Irving, was flipping her hair and laughing with Uhura. Sulu and Chekov kept asking Kirk if he thought they should change course and put up shields. "Dammit you two!" the Captain finally screamed. "I'm trying to meditate and not show any emotion! Damn you two!"

"Oh, that's really not showing any emotion." Uhura laughed. Kirk glared at her.

Spock said, "Captain, that outburst was most illogical."

"I'm going to my quarters." Kirk growled. "Don't disturb me."

"But sir-" said Chekov.

"Don't disturb me!" Kirk snapped, before leaving the bridge.

Chekov turned to Spock. "We're getting another message."

"It's a Code 3 distress call from an unknown planet." Uhura said. "They say they need to speak with our captain."

Spock went up and sat in the captain's chair. "This is Mr. Spock, the First Officer of the USS Enterprise representing the United Federation of Planets. My captain is performing illogically at the moment. What do you need?"

Silence.

"They aren't responding." Uhura said. "But the Federation probe is calling us."

"What does it say?" Chekhov asked.

"It says...not to approach the unknown planet..." Uhura said. "Apparently the probe got the Code 3 distress call as well."

"I will speak with the captain." Spock said. "It is time he continues his training." He too left the bridge.

"Well...what are we supposed to do?" asked Uhura. She sighed and hit the transmitter. "Scotty, come up here. Kirk is 'performing illogically' and Spock's doing who-knows-what..."

"On my way." came the Engineer's voice.

"Captain, you are not doing as I instructed." Spock said a half-hour later. He had come up to Kirk's bedroom and had been teaching ever since. "Balance logic and power, Jim, and strike directly here." He touched the shoulder nerve. "Again!"

Kirk breathed in and out and pinched Spock's neck. Spock felt a slight twinge, but nothing more. "Captain, you are not cooperating."

"Well, tell me something else to try!" Kirk snapped.

"Perhaps you should try another fighting technique." said Spock. "Tal-Shaya is a fighting style that-"

"Dammit, Spock, I'm gonna learn the Vulcan nerve pinch!" Kirk screamed. He flexed his fingers and pinched Spock's neck again. Spock felt his legs collapse.

"Well, Captain," said Spock, trying to pull himself up on the bed, "that was most certainly an improvement." He rubbed his legs, trying to get feeling back into them. "Of course, you only made my legs motionless, and I did not pass out, but that was most certainly an improvement."

"Um..." said Kirk, feeling a bit guilty at Spock's lame legs, "thanks, I guess."

Spock shook his legs, and got up. "Let's try again, shall we?"

The annoying Wee-ooh noise of an incoming call sounded in Kirk's room. "Captain?" said Scotty. "Somethin's wrong. An unknown planet keeps callin' us with a Code 3 distress call, but when I try to talk to em, they won't talk back. And the Federation probe keeps tellin us to leave the planet behind. What should I do?"

"Contact the probe." Kirk said. "Ask why they want to leave the planet behind. If they have no answer, send a landing party down. Kirk out." He glanced at Spock, whose eyes were narrowed. "What's wrong?" the Captain asked.

"Captain, I think there is reason to believe that the Federation probe is not being controlled by the Federation. They are not using the standard frequency, as Lt. Uhura had stated, and they are not answering a Code 3 distress call." Spock said.

"If...the Federation isn't controlling the...probe," Kirk said. "Then...who is?"

"Without facts I cannot logically assume what is, Captain." said Spock. "We should begin training again. If the probe and/or the planet is being held by enemies, then having a adequate fighting technique is logical."

"Yes." said Kirk. "But why don't we live this up a little?"

"I don't understand, Captain."

"Well, Scotty's doing such a good job as surrogate Captain," said Kirk, "and I don't think he should have to take that physical Bones assigned him."

Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy was actually in a good mood. He had no idea why but, as Chapel had said, "It's very becoming." McCoy was so happy that he didn't tell off the nurse for drawing a picture of Spock.

The CMO was enjoying a cup of tea when Captain Kirk barged into sickbay. "Hey, Jim." said McCoy. "Want something to drink?"

"Nope." said Kirk, sitting down.

"Where's your _sensei_?" asked McCoy, grinning.

"Spock?" Kirk said. Chapel looked up. "Oh, I told him to get something to eat." He glanced at the nurse. "What are you doing?"

"Well...I was um..." she stuttered. Kirk went over and looked at the paper. "Drawing Mr. Spock, sir." she finished.

"Ah. Good likeness. Anyway, Bones," said Kirk, turning back to the doctor, "Are you still giving Scotty that physical? I heard he had one taken a week ago."

"Jim, I'm a doctor. I can assign these whenever I want." McCoy said. "So, how's training?"

"Oh, very good." Kirk said, smirking slightly. "Very good." McCoy felt a thrill of dread.

"Well, I should be checking on Johnson," said McCoy, getting up.

"He's already left, Dr. McCoy." Chapel told him.

"You look stressed, Bones." Kirk said. "Need anything?"

The CMO calmed down a bit. It was just his paranoid self again. "Not really."

"Alright. I should get going then. You'll have to prepare for Scotty's physical." Kirk turned to leave.

"Yup." McCoy also turned to go into the ward. Kirk spun around quickly and pinched his neck. Bones collapsed like a glob of jelly. However, he was still awake.

"JAMES KIRK!!"

"Oops." said the Captain. "It didn't knock you out."

"Chapel, GET HIM!" McCoy screamed.

"Um...sir?" the nurse asked, looking at Kirk.

"Chapel, if you don't tackle me, I'll...make Spock go on a date with you!" Kirk yelled. Before the nurse could answer, Kirk left the sickbay.

"JAMES T. KIRK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!" screamed McCoy, trying and failing to get up.

Chapel ran after Kirk, apparently deciding that what he'd said was a joke. Scotty walked in, looking around at the picture of Spock and McCoy lying uselessly on the ground.

"Are ya alright, Doctor?" Scotty asked.

McCoy's only reply was a mixture of swearwords.

"Just because ya're on a ship don't mean ya can talk like a sailor!" Scotty said. "Well, I see you're in no condition to give me a physical. I'll be leaving then." He nearly skipped out of sickbay.

"Wait!" McCoy yelled. "I need help up!" But Scotty was gone. "Chapel! Stop chasing Kirk and help me to the bed! HELP!" But there was no one there. McCoy tried once more to move any part of his body. As before, he failed.

"Kirk, I'm going to kill you." he growled.

Needless to say, McCoy's good mood was gone.

Will the Federation probe respond? What's gonna happen with Chapel and Spock? And how is McCoy gonna retaliate? Find out in the next chappie!


	4. Redshirts and Death

Sorry I haven't updated. Totally read and review this one and all my other stories out there, please!

Chapter Four: Redshirts and Death

Spock sat in the captain's chair, eating an apple. He had decided that whatever Kirk was planning, he wanted out of it. "Why are ya eating, Mr. Spock?" asked Scotty.

"The captain ordered me to eat." Spock answered. "Lieutenant Uhura, what is the response of the Federation probe?"

"Nothing yet." Uhura said. "But I only sent it a few minutes ago." Spock nodded.

"Well, I got to go to my physical." Scotty said, grimacing. "This punishment is cruel and unusual." He left.

Chekhov frowned slightly. "I'm receiving a message."

"From the Federation probe?" Spock asked.

"No," said Chekhov, "From Nurse Chapel. She's asking..." he grinned. "well, it's ta you, Mr. Spock."

The Science Officer read the message, his eyebrow risen the whole time. "I need to speak with Captain Kirk."

Scotty came back in, looking a bit confused. "McCoy's angry about somethin or another...and he's just lying on the sickbay floor, not movin a muscle."

"Oh no!" said Uhura. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Well, at least I don't have to do me physical." said Scotty, grinning. Uhura rushed off the bridge to help McCoy.

Captain Kirk entered the bridge, chuckling. "Has the Federation probe answered?"

"No, Jim." said Spock, looking as ticked off as a Vulcan can look. "And may I ask you why Chapel asked me on a...'date'?"

Chekhov began to laugh. Sulu only shook his head, try to suppress chuckling.

"Well I don't know," said the Captain, "Perhaps you should ask her."

Sulu went up to Uhura's station. "Sir, we've got a response from the Federation probe."

"And?"

"It says...the unknown planet is too dangerous and...on no account are we to approach it." Sulu frowned. "Well, that's not a good explanation!" he muttered.

"No." said Kirk. "It's not. Round me up a landing team. We're going down."

"Captain," asked Spock once everyone was busy preparing the landing party, "Did you use the nerve pinch on Dr. McCoy?"

"On Bones?" laughed Kirk. "Of course not..."

"So that is why Security Personal heard the doctor yell, 'James T. Kirk I'm going to kill you!'." Spock deadpanned.

"Well, I did use it...but I'm sure McCoy doesn't mind. I mean, Bones doesn't mind a few nerve pinches. One from you, one from me, he won't care."

Uhura entered the bridge once more. "Captain, Dr. McCoy is paralyzed. He can't move anything! I helped him up on a bed. He kept yelling about you sir, and Chapel and Scotty. But mostly you, Captain."

Spock raised an eyebrow. Kirk said, "Is he getting some feeling back?"

"A little, sir, and it's getting better after he had some cordrazine." Uhura went back to her station. "What did I miss?"

"Aw, nothing much," said Scotty, "we're just gonna disobey direct orders from a Federation probe...nothing important." He shrugged.

"Oh," Uhura said.

The landing party was ready to go. Four security personal were going out to find out what the problem was. "I always feel better when there's five going." Kirk said to Spock.

"Well ya don't need to worry about that!" said McCoy, a vicious look on his face. "I need some time away from the 'wessel'." He glanced at Chekhov, who apparently didn't notice the insult. "I also need to get away from green-blooded Vulcans and back-stabbing captains." McCoy gave an insane grin. "So I request to join this landing party."

"Bones," said Kirk, "I can't let you-"

"Five to beam down, Scotty." said McCoy, jumping onto a transporter.

"McCoy," snapped Kirk, "Going on a landing party won't give you any stress relief."

"No, but it'll give me relief from you two!" he pointed at the two top officers.

"Captain?" asked Scotty, nodding toward the insane McCoy.

"Spock?" asked Kirk.

"Five to beam down." Spock answered.

"Thank you, you pointy-eared hobgoblin!" McCoy said.

"You are welcome." said Spock.

"I have a bad feeling about it." confided Kirk once the landing party had gone. "What about you?"

"I have no feelings, bad or good, Captain." Spock answered. Scotty chuckled from behind them.

"Well, ya might not have any feelings, Mr. Spock, but I know who does!" The CEO nodded toward Chapel, who was busy talking to Uhura.

"Her infatuation is illogical." Spock said.

"Oh, give her a chance." Kirk pushed. Spock wished he could glare at the captain.

"Hello Mr. Spock," said Chapel, walking by them. "Hello Captain Kirk, Mr. Scott."

Scotty nudged/shoved Spock into the nurse. "I am sorry, Nurse Chapel." Spock apologized.

"That's fine." said Chapel, brushing herself off.

"Why, don't ya two look fine together!" said Scotty happily, winking at Kirk.

"Oh yes," Kirk agreed. "Quite."

"Perhaps ya two oughta meet together sometime. Yah know, alone." Scotty said. Chapel blushed while Kirk nodded in agreement.

"I suppose." Spock said. He nodded to Chapel.

"Oh, I wish Bones was here to see this!" Kirk laughed as soon as Chapel was out of sight. "Spock on a date."

The First Officer stepped between the captain and Scotty so that he was in the center of them. Spock then flexed his fingers and pinched both Kirk's and Scotty's neck. The two went down.

"The nerve pinch does have many advantages." mused Spock to himself.

(A/N: I don't care if it's OoC, I wanted him to pinch Kirk!)

When Kirk awoke, he was in sickbay. Chapel was standing over him. "Are you alright, Captain?"

"Fine, Nurse Chapel." Kirk said. "What happened?"

"According to Mr. Spock, you and Mr. Scott passed out." Chapel said. "You've been asleep for about one hour."

"I see." Kirk said as Scotty came in from another ward.

"Excuse me, sir, but I have more patients to attend to." Chapel said before leaving.

"Way I see it, Captain, Spock musta given us one of em nerve pinches." Scotty observed.

"I ought to punish him for insubordination," Kirk said, "if I didn't deserve it."

The annoying Whee-ooh noise broke Scotty's hidden chuckles at Kirk's comment. "Bridge to Captain, sir." Uhura said.

"Yes?"

"I got a call from Security Personal Jones before he was cut off."

"Play message."

The redshirt's voice echoed. Apparently they were in some cave. "_Sir, there's something out there! It's already got Evans- help! It's..._" static.

Kirk jumped up. "Get Spock down to the transporter. Me, him, and Scotty are beaming down."

"Aye, sir. Uhura out." Scotty looked anxious.

"Perhaps we shoulda listened to the Federation probe after all, Captain." Scotty said, Jone's message still ringing in his ears.

"It's too late now, Mr. Scott."

Spock met them in the transporter room. "I see you are feeling well, now, Captain and Mr. Scott."

"No thanks to you." muttered Scotty.

"I heard the message," Spock continued. "We are beaming down 100 meters away from where the call took place."

"Do you think Bones..." Kirk trailed off.

"McCoy has a way of getting out of situations like these." Scotty said, trying to sound confident. "He's probably only brainwashed or drugged or somethin like that. McCoy's always getting hypnotized."

"Energize." Kirk said.

The two men and one part Vulcan arrived at a stratus-cloud filled planet. There was no fog, but plenty of caves all around. "Well," said Kirk, "Which one is the right cave?"

"This one, sir." Scotty said.

"How can you tell?" asked Kirk.

"Blood, sir." Scotty answered gloomily. And so there was blood all over the entrance to the cave.

"Evans." Kirk nodded to a man with his heart ripped out. Spock recorded the loss.

Walking inside the cave, three more men lay dead. The blood on them matched their shirts. "Whatever creature we are dealing with, Captain," said Spock. "It apparently is strong enough to rip the victims apart. The creature also leaves bite marks."

"Three more Security Personal." Kirk observed. "But where's McCoy?"

"Hopefully safe." Scotty whispered. "We canna lose our friend- I mean, our Chief Medical Officer."

The three left the cave. Spock was looking around. "What should we do?" Scotty asked Kirk. "We'll have to find McCoy, but after that..."

"Find that murderer." Kirk said. "Either the the Code 3 distress call was just a hoax for that creature to kill our men or the citizens of this planet are being wiped out by the predator. But before we do anything we've got to find McCoy."

"I have...achieved that, Captain." whispered Spock, bending over a figure. Kirk and Scotty ran to him. There was McCoy, lying on the ground. There was no bite marks, and no blood. It was as if McCoy was sleeping, but Kirk could see no rise or fall of his chest.

Spock tried to take a pulse, but his shaking fingers wouldn't allow it. Finally, he pressed his fingers against Bone's neck. "He's...He's dead, Jim."


	5. Woe and Happiness

Chapter Five: Woe and Happiness

"Say. It isn't so. Spock." whispered Kirk, sitting down in pure shock. "Not our McCoy. Not Bones."

"I am sor- I regret this loss, Captain." Spock said, covering his eyes. "I truly do."

"McCoy ain't the type of person to do this ta us!" cried Scotty, lying against a nearby stone.

"I doubt he had a say in the matter." Spock said. "I believe another creature rather than the one that killed Security must have killed McCoy. Dr. McCoy, judging by his unblemished body, obviously had a quick and painless death."

"Well, that's good, I suppose." Kirk whispered.

"Indeed Captain."

"I...I'll have to inform the crew about this." Kirk said, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Let me do it Captain." Scotty said, taking out his transporter. "It'll be harder for ya."

"No, Mr. Scott. I will do this."

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Chapel was on the bridge again talking to Uhura. The lieutenant liked her company- it was a nice change being away from all those boys. Chekhov and Sulu were playing virtual 'Battleship' a game that had, according to Chekhov, been invented by the Russians.

The Whee-ooh sounded. Uhura grabbed her headset. "Yes, Captain?"

"Put. Me on speaker, Uhura."

"Is everything alright?"

"No." came the quick reply. "Do as I say." Uhura did.

"Crew, this is your captain, James Kirk speaking. Today we mourn the loss of a great senior officer of the Enterprise."

"Who?" whispered Uhura. "Scotty?"

"He was a daring individual who took orders from no one- least of all me. He was as sarcastic as he was brave. Today Dr. Leonard Horatio McCoy died on the unknown planet on which we are speaking. I assure you, no one feels the loss more than the ones who knew him best. We will beam him up for visitation as soon as we find his murderer. Kirk out."

Uhura glanced at Chapel, whose face was contorted into a look of shock.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed, beginning to cry. "Not Leonard! No, not him! Not McCoy." She began to sob as the silent, horror-struck bridge could do nothing but watch.

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"We are to find the murderer, Captain?" Scotty asked. "Good. They won't know what hit em."

"Captain," said Spock. "Perhaps it would be best to beam up the bodies now. If the creature returned, he might e-"

"We're keeping them here, Spock." Kirk snapped. "Now, Spock, are there any living life forms around?"

"Yes, Captain." answered the Science Officer. "There are 10...no 2, no 8...The number is impossible to tell. It keeps switching..." He checked his readings once more. "Whatever the things are, they are located in that cave." Spock pointed.

"Well," Kirk said. "Phasers on stun. Let's find the murderer."

Inside the cave, there was a strong looking alien draped over a rock. "Is this him, Captain?" asked Scotty.

"Affirmative." said Spock. "But there is only one of him."

"Is there?" the alien whispered. He got up. The alien looked humanoid enough, bar the fact his skin was a shade of green. The alien smiled at them, showing another feature- sharp, long teeth. "There's as many of me as I want, Vulcan."

"I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise and-"

"I know who you are. I am Genghis and this is Batty." Genghis nodded to the rock, that got up and shook dust of it.

"The rock is a robot." Scotty said.

"Quite, Scottish friend. And a very advanced robot as well..."

"Capable of controlling a Federation probe." Spock completed.

Genghis chuckled. "Exactly, Vulcan. You see, I was once an Orion diplomat, and a scientist of course. I discovered a wonderful secret. It was a scientific marvel, a potion of sorts. I drank the potion, and I had power beyond imagination." He grinned, again showing his teeth. "But the Orions didn't really like that. My teeth had transformed...along with other features." He chuckled. "They sent me to this planet to die. I've wanted revenge for so many years. I've created Batty, but Batty can't give me a starship to return to Orion. But you can. I've tricked you, Captain Kirk. I knew you would disobey Federation orders and come down here. Which is exactly what I needed." Genghis grabbed Scotty, and closed his teeth around the Engineer's neck. "Gi' me da Entapise or your frien dies."

"Don't do it, Captain!" said Scotty. "Not my Enterprise- I mean, our Enterprise."

"You have already killed one of my friends," Kirk said. "I won't let you kill anymore." He shot the phaser.

Genghis laughed, and did something incredible- split in two! There were two Genghis's, one stunned and the other still clutching Scotty!

"This alien has the ability to split and divide like cells, Captain. That was his scientific potion." Spock explained. "That was what was giving my tricorder so much problems." He went forward to Genghis.

"Stay away from me, you green-blooded fool!" hissed a 3rd Genghis, fear in his eyes. "Batty, get the Vulcan!" The robot went up and slammed Spock into the wall.

Kirk ran up to Genghis and kicked him in the face. But right as that Genghis went down, another Genghis ran up and punched Kirk in the gut. As Kirk dispatched that Genghis, he saw that Spock was being thrown into the wall by the robot. Spock slumped down. Kirk punched another Genghis, his mind racing.

Why did this alien hate Vulcans so much? Genghis couldn't just be racist, he had called Scotty a 'Scottish friend'. So why dislike Spock? Kirk gasped. The Vulcan nerve pinch! If Genghis passed out before he could split and divide, then Genghis was useless!

As one Genghis came rushing toward him, Kirk flexed his fingers and pinched the alien's neck. He went down, without splitting! The captain ran around, pinching all of the Genghis' necks. Soon there was only the first Genghis with Scotty, all the others lying uselessly on the ground.

"Well, Kirk, ya ar quite handy," he spat. "But ya can na-"

Scotty elbowed the alien in the gut. Genghis spat him out. Kirk ran up and pinched the alien's neck.

"How are you, Scotty?" Kirk asked.

"Well enough, Cap'n, 'cept me neck's all covered in Genghis saliva." Scotty answered.

"Better his saliva than your blood." Kirk said.

"True."

"Can you configure 'Batty' to self-destruct in a few minutes?" Kirk asked.

"Easy as pie, Cap'n." Scotty began to work on the robot.

"Spock? How are you?" Kirk asked, leaning over the bleeding Vulcan.

"Captain, I am suffering blood loss and several bones appear to be broken." Spock answered.

"Well, Bones can fix that right up..." Kirk trailed off. "I mean, Nurse Chapel can."

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"I can't believe Dr. McCoy is dead," Chapel whispered, her eyes red. They were in sickbay. McCoy's body was on the bed next to Spock. "It's just," her hands shook as she tried to give Spock his medicine. "Terrible..." She began to cry.

The First Officer inwardly cringed at her tears, and slowly patted her back.

"Th-Thank you, Mr. Sp-Spock." Chapel whispered, before hurrying back into the medicine room.

"We'll go ahead at warp 7 back to Earth." Kirk said. "We'll give McCoy's body back to his family for the funeral." Scotty nodded.

"That is most illogical, Captain." Spock argued.

"Illogical? Your crewmate...your friend, Spock, dies and you think it's illogical!" Kirk yelled. "Just because it will add a few days travel, you think his death is illogical!"

"I did not say that, Captain." Spock said. "I merely assumed that McCoy's funeral should be on the Enterprise, before he is buried in Earth."

"Oh, yes. Spock. I'm...er..."

"You do not need to apologize, Captain. _That_ would be illogical." Spock said.

"Can't believe we will nae have McCoy anymore." Scotty said, looking at the limp body. "I almost wish he was here to give me a physical." Scotty grabbed a glass of water and began to sip.

"That can be arranged," said McCoy, getting up from his bed. Scotty's glass broke as it fell from his fingers.

"B-B-Bones?" asked Kirk, his eyes wide.

"Leonard?" Scotty gasped.

"Dr. McCoy?" Spock wondered, an expression of happiness and surprise on his features before going back to 'Vulcan' mode.

"Hello." the doctor said, smirking slightly. "Well, the shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it? You-" he pointed at Kirk- "put a nerve pinch on me so Scotty couldn't do his physical. And now Scotty wants his physical. I suppose I'll have to give it to him."

"Doctor," asked Spock, "How are you alive?"

"Well, I went down to the planet with a liter of gahiztomine, a drug that causes simulated death. I went to investigate away from the Security Personel. When I heard Evans scream I knew it was too late. I injected the gahiztomine into myself. The creatures overlooked me, they thought I was already dead.

"And then you three came along. Part two of my revenge plan was working perfectly. I-"

"Wait a minute, Bones." said Kirk. "You faked being dead to get revenge on us?"

"Yup, Captain." laughed the doctor. "You two kept trying to knock me out. I wanted to hear what you guy's would be like if I was knocked out- for good."

"You heard us the whole time?" asked Scotty.

"Oh, yes."

"So you heard us saying kind things about you?" Kirk asked.

"Yup, it was a nice change, actually." McCoy said. "It was a very moving eulogy Captain."

"Thanks."

"And I can't believe that Spock actually was sad about my death!"

"Sadness is illogical, Doctor."

"But you were sad, Spock."

"I was merely upset about your passing. You are a fine medical doctor and it would be illogical not to worry about the welfare of this vessel without you."

"So it was logical to be illogical."

"Correct."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "I don't think you're logical, Spock. I just think you're crazy."

"Well, how are we gonna tell the crew you're not dead?" Kirk asked.

"Oh, don't tell them yet." McCoy said. "There's one person I still want to hear from."

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Chapel was once more on the bridge. McCoy's visitation was scheduled today. She still couldn't believe he was dead.

Kirk walked into the bridge, wearing all black. Scotty was dressed in the same attire. Only Spock was wearing his blue shirt, but he had a black armband to signify his mourning.

Chapel began to cry harder. "Oh, Nurse Chapel, don't cry!" said Kirk, trying to hide his smile. "Why, I'm sure you can fill McCoy's shoes."

"No!" cried Chapel. "No, sir, I can't! He was such a good doctor, and even if he was grouchy sometimes, he was still the best doctor I could have worked under."

"Well, thank you, Christine!" McCoy said, entering the bridge in his best black suit. "But 'work_ed_ under? I'm still here, Nurse Chapel."

"Dr. Mc-Mc-Coy?" she asked. He smiled at her. "Oh, Leonard!" she ran up and hugged him. She kissed him on the cheek. "You're alive! But-but...oh, you're alive!"

The bridge members, excluding Kirk, Spock, and Scotty, went up to confirm Chapel's statement. Chekhov went up and poked Dr. McCoy. "He's here all right!" cried Chekhov.

After the bridge and all of the crew heard McCoy's story, the doctor went over to where Kirk, Scotty, and Spock were sitting.

"Well, Jim, are you glad you learned to fight Vulcan-style?" McCoy asked. Spock looked at Kirk.

"Yes, Bones, I am."

FIN

A/N: This story isn't over yet. If you want to have a sequel, then please review so!


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